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1. Release –Release the hurt and anger. 

2. Recognize & Confess-

3. Return -Good for Bad

4. Restore-Use your pain well.


Release- When someone has wronged you *& refuses to apologize, the challenge is not to forgive the unapologizing offender but to release him, along with the hurt & anger.  IF the offender confesses his error & makes a positive change in his life, you can then forgive.  IF not, the consequences of his actions will find him in time without any help from you.  Releasing a person is very different from forgiving.  It does not lead to reconciliation, but it does free you emotionally and spiritually to become the person you were meant to be. Release them to GOD, He will be both just and loving. 


God as one who stands ready to forgive all who confess their wrongdoing & who desire his forgiveness.  I am not compelled to seek revenge, because I have made the choice to release both my anger and the person who wronged me to God’s justice and love. 


Recognize and Confess- your own failures in the situation.  If you have been wronged, your anger is legitimate; you should feel angry, but  remember to HALT-Click here for instructions.


Return good for bad and seek to love.  Express love even to those who mistreat us. 


Restore -PEACE by using your pain well- If you are dealing with a person who refuse to apologize, your won inner pain is vital in learning how to implement these three steps.  When you release the person who has wronged you, recognize your won failures in the situation & seek to love the offender, you will be liberated to go on with your life and use your time and energy in a constructive way.  


SET YOUR HEART FREE– Un-forgiveness is like taking poison and expecting your enemy to die


NO long –term positive relationships exist without forgiveness.


Our Relationship Garden

Our life is a garden, the relationships we have with people are like beautiful flowers growing there. Offenses are weed seeds that grow into gigantic bitter plants called un-forgiveness.    Failure to forgive and let go of offenses and hurts allows the weed seeds to germinate in our garden.  When we re-visit offenses and past hurts in thought, word or deed we cultivate the weeds and allow them to grow.  Eventually they become large and spread throughout our garden, crowding out all of the flowers (relationships) planted there.   Being offended isn't worth it!  We are the gardener we have the power to make the decision to toss the seeds of offense or plant them.  We get reap the harvest of our choice over which seeds we will sow.     


How to Forgive
Would you like to become more successful at forgiving others? There are practical steps that must be taken. One time I asked the Lord why so many people want to forgive but aren’t successful doing it. And He said, "Because they aren’t obeying what I tell them to do in My Word." As I searched the Word, I found the following instructions:

Decide – You will never forgive if you wait until you feel like it. Choose to obey God and steadfastly resist the devil in his attempts to poison you with bitter thoughts. Make a quality decision to forgive, and God will heal your wounded emotions in due time (see Matthew 6:12,14).

Depend – You cannot forgive without the power of the Holy Spirit. It’s too hard to do on your own. If you are truly willing, God will enable you, but you must humble yourself and cry out to Him for help. In John 20:22,23 Jesus breathed on the disciples and said, “Receive the Holy Spirit!” His next instruction was about forgiving people. Ask God to breathe the Holy Spirit on you so you can forgive those who’ve hurt you.

Obey – The Word tells us several things we’re to do concerning forgiving our enemies: 

a. Pray for your enemies and those who abuse and misuse you. Pray for their happiness and welfare (see Luke 6:27,28). As you pray, God can give them revelation that will bring them out of deception. They may not even be aware they hurt you, or maybe they’re aware but are so self-centered that they don’t care. Either way, they need revelation.

b. …
Bless and do not curse them (Romans 12:14). In the Greek to bless means "to speak well of" and to curse means "to speak evil of." You can’t walk in forgiveness and be a gossip. You must stop repeating the offense. You can’t get over it if you continue to talk about it. Proverbs 17:9 says that he who covers an offense seeks love.

Who Should Forgive?

Forgive the person who badly hurt you long ago and also the stranger who stepped on your toe in the grocery store. Take those two extremes and forgive them in addition to everyone in between. Forgive quickly. The quicker you do it, the easier it is. Forgive freely. Matthew 10:8 says, …
Freely you have received, freely give (NKJV). Forgive means “to excuse a fault, absolve from payment, pardon, send away, cancel, and bestow favor unconditionally.”

When you forgive, you must cancel the debt. Do not spend your life paying and collecting debts. Hebrews 10:30 says that vengeance belongs to the Lord; He’ll repay and settle the cases of His people. Let God pay you for past injustices. Do not try to collect from the people who hurt you, because the people who hurt you can’t pay you.

Also, forgive yourself for past sins and hurts you have caused others. You can’t pay people back, so ask God to.

Forgive God if you are angry with Him because your life didn’t turn out the way you thought it should. God is always just. There may be things you don’t understand, but God loves you, and people make a serious mistake when they don’t receive help from the only One who can truly help them.

You may even need to forgive a situation or an object—the post office, bank, a certain store that may have cheated you, a car that always gave you trouble, etc. Get rid of all poison that comes from bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness. And remember Proverbs 4:23:
Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance...for out of it flow the springs of life.

Unforgiveness is spiritual filthiness, so get washed in the water of God’s Word to forgive and stay clean.


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FORGIVENESS does not change the past but it does
                 enlarge the future, Paul Boese
Forgiveness does not come easy

Forgiveness does not remove all the consequences of wrong doing.

Forgiveness does not immediately restore trust– but without forgiveness, trust cannot be restored

Forgiveness doesn’t remove the offense from ones memory.


To learn about what the scripture says about forgiveness Click here.

Bitterness, wrath, and anger are the fruits of un-forgiveness. Unforgiveness is like a poison that begins on the inside and like cancer, spreads and consumes an individual’s life. They are only one step away from healing, but for some that is one step that is difficult to take.


Forgiveness stands between defeat & VICTORY-

Choose Forgiveness CHOOSE LIFE!


Choose to trust God with the things you don’t understand.




Bless your enemies =speak well of them.  CURSE=speak evil of them.


Vulnerability is an important part of relationships.  If we admit we have been hurt , other people are more likely to admit the hurts they caused. 


Confession teaches us about the power of forgiveness & must be part of our lives if we are to love authentically. 



IF you have been hurt, learn what you can from it, forgive and move on.  DON”T HIDE AND RUN.  IF He brings you to it.  HE will bring you through it.  Remember anything that you hide from or run from has power over you.


Bitterness, Resentment and Unforgiveness by Joyce Meyer

Many people ruin their health and their lives by taking the poison of bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness. Matthew 18:23-35 tells us that if we do not forgive people, we get turned over to the torturers. If you have a problem in this area or have ever had one, I’m sure you bear witness with what I’m saying. It’s torture to have hateful thoughts toward another person rolling around inside your head.

Helping Yourself and Others

Who are you helping most when you forgive the person who hurt you? Actually, you’re helping yourself more than the other person. I always looked at forgiving people who hurt me as being really hard. I thought it seemed so unfair for them to receive forgiveness when I had gotten hurt. I got pain, and they got freedom without having to pay for the pain they caused. Now I realize that I’m helping myself when I choose to forgive.

I’m also helping the other person by releasing them so God can do what only He can do. If I’m in the way—trying to get revenge or take care of the situation myself instead of trusting and obeying God—He has no obligation to deal with that person. However, God will deal with those who hurt us if we’ll put them in His hands through forgiveness. The act of forgiving is our seed of obedience to His Word. Once we’ve sown our seed, He is faithful to bring a harvest of blessing to us one way or another.
Another way that forgiveness helps me is that it releases God to do His work in me. I’m happier and feel better physically when I’m not filled with the poison of unforgiveness. Serious diseases can develop as a result of the stress and pressure that bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness put on a person. Mark 11:22-26 clearly teaches us that unforgiveness hinders our faith from working. The Father can’t forgive
our sins if we don’t forgive other people. We reap what we sow. Sow mercy, and you’ll reap mercy; sow judgment, and you’ll reap judgment. So do yourself a favor—and forgive.

There are still more benefits of forgiveness. Your fellowship with God flows freely when you’re willing to forgive, but it gets blocked by unforgiveness. Forgiveness also keeps Satan from getting an advantage over us (see 2 Corinthians 2:10,11). Ephesians 4:26,27 tells us not to let the sun go down on our anger or give the devil any such foothold or opportunity. Remember that the devil must have a
foothold before he can get a stronghold. Do not help Satan torture you. Be quick to forgive.

I also think it’s hard to hate one person but love another. It’s hard to treat anybody right when our heart isn’t right. Even people you want to love may be suffering from your bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness.


The Five Languages of Apology

We are experts at wronging each other, but when it comes to setting things right, we all could use some help. New York Times best-selling author Gary Chapman teams with counselor Jennifer Thomas in an eye-opening study of one of the most important yet least understood pillars of human relationships: the apology. Surprisingly, saying “I’m sorry,” isn’t primarily a matter of will—it’s a matter of how.

Expressing Regret

“Expressing Regret” is the Apology Language that zeroes in on emotional hurt. It is an admission of guilt and shame for causing pain to another person. For those who listen for “Expressing Regret” apologies, a simple “I’m sorry” is all they look for. There is no need for explanation or “pay back” provided the apology has truly come from the heart. “Expressing Regret” is a powerful Apology Language because it gets right to the point. It doesn’t make excuses or attempt to deflect blame. Above all, “Expressing Regret” takes ownership of the wrong. For that reason, “Expressing Regret” is understood as a sincere commitment to repair and rebuild the relationship. The “Expressing Regret” Apology Language speaks most clearly when the person offering the apology reflects sincerity not only verbally, but also through body language. Unflinching eye contact and a gentle, but firm touch are two ways that body language can underscore sincerity.

Accept Responsibility

It is very difficult for some people to admit that they’re wrong. It makes them doubt their self-worth, and no one likes to be portrayed as a failure. However, as adults, we must all admit that we are sinners and that we will make mistakes. We are going to make poor decisions that hurt our mates, and we are going to have to admit that we were wrong. We have to accept responsibility for our own failures. For many individuals, all they want is to hear the words, “I am wrong.” If the apology neglects accepting responsibility for their actions, many partners will not feel as though the apology was meaningful and sincere. Many partners need to learn how to overcome their ego, the desire to not be viewed as a failure, and simply admit that their actions were wrong. For a mate who speaks this apology language, if an apology does not admit fault, it is not worth hearing. Being sincere in your apology means allowing yourself to be weak, and admitting that you make mistakes. Though this may be hard to do for some people, it makes a world of a difference to your partner who speaks this language.

Make Restitution

In our society, many people believe that wrong acts demand justice. The one who commits the crime should pay for their wrongdoing. A mate who speaks this love language feels the same way towards apologies. They believe that in order to be sincere, the person who is apologizing should justify their actions. The mate who’s been hurt simply wants to hear that their mate still loves them.

There are many effective ways to demonstrate sincerity in an apology. Each mate must learn the other’s love language in order to complete the act of restitution. Though some mates may feel a though all is forgotten with a bouquet of flowers, that may not necessarily work for all mates. Every mate should uncover what their partner’s main love language is (Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts) and use that specific language in order to make restitutions in the most effective way.

For a mate whose primary apology language is making restitutions, no matter how often you say “I’m sorry”, or “I was wrong”, your mate will never find the apology sincere. You must show strong efforts for making amends. A genuine apology will be accompanied by the assurance that you still love your mate 
and have a desire to right the wrong-doings committed.

Genuinely Repent

For some individuals, repentance is the convincing factor in an apology. Some mates will doubt the sincerity of an apology if it is not accompanied by their partner’s desire to modify their behavior to avoid 
the situation in the future.

It’s important to remember that all true repentance begins in the heart. A mate must feel poorly for hurting their loved one, and rely on God’s help in order to truly change. Admitting you are wrong creates vulnerability. It allows your mate to get a glimpse of your heart. The glimpse of true self is assurance that the apology was sincere.

apology-coupleOne important aspect of genuinely repenting is verbalizing your desire to change. Your mate cannot read your mind. Though you may be trying to change inside, if you do not verbalize your desire to change to your mate, most likely they will still be hurt.

Many people have problems with repenting when they do not feel as though their actions were morally wrong. However, in a healthy relationship, we often make changes that have nothing to do with morality and everything to do with building a harmonious marriage.

It is also important to make a dedicated plan for change. Often apologies involving repentance fail because the person never set up steps of action to help ensure success. A person must first set goals for their change. After you create realistic goals, then you can start implementing a plan to change. Taking baby steps towards repentance instead of insisting on changing all at once will increase your chances of successfully changing your ways.

It is important to remember that change is hard. Constructive change does not mean we will immediately be successful. There will be highs and lows on the road to change. You must remember that with God’s help, anyone can change their ways if they are truly and genuinely ready to repent.

Request Forgiveness
In some relationships, a mate wants to hear their partner physically ask for forgiveness. They want assurance that their mate recognizes the need for forgiveness. By asking forgiveness for their actions, a partner is really asking their mate to still love them. Requesting forgiveness assures your mate that you want to see the relationship fully restored. It also proves to your mate that you are sincerely sorry for what you’ve done. It shows that you realize you’ve done something wrong. Requesting forgiveness also shows that you are willing to put the future of the relationship in the hands of the offended mate. You are leaving the final decision up to your partner – to forgive or not forgive.
Requesting forgiveness is not easy. It often leaves one vulnerable to the fear of rejection. Along with the fear of rejection is the fear of failing. Many people have a hard time seeking forgiveness because it means admitting that you have failed. The only way to overcome this fear is to recognize that it is very common amongst mankind. The commonality makes it okay to be a failure. It allows a stubborn mate to apologize to their partner and become a healthy individual.
Ultimately, it’s important to remember that there is a difference between asking for forgiveness and DEMANDING forgiveness. When we demand forgiveness, we tend to forget the nature of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a choice the offended party is supposed to make. Demanding forgiveness takes away the sincerity of asking for it.
Remember not to treat forgiveness lightly. It is something to be cherished and appreciated. The act of forgiveness is hard on both ends – for the person who’s asking and for the person who’s accepting.

GET OVER IT- cause it isn't worth it.

When you refuse to forgive other people, you open a door for the devil to torment you..


God will give you the power

to forgive if you ask him.


HABIT-If the person who hurt you will not or cannot apologize, remember that it is still possible to release your anger toward her.  See Release-


Ephesians 4:31 (AMP)
31 Let all bitterness and indignation and wrath (passion, rage, bad temper) and resentment (anger, animosity) and quarreling (brawling, clamor, contention) and slander (evil-speaking, abusive or blasphemous language) be banished from you, with all malice (spite, ill will, or baseness of any kind).    

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” Lewis B Smedes



Become a Forgiving Person. 

Forgive yourself.

Apologize for your won failures in relationships.

Have an attitude of authentic love toward others.

Practice forgiveness in small ways & offer apologies even for small offenses.



You can't undo anything you've already done, but you can face up to it. You can tell the truth. You can seek forgiveness. And then let God do the rest.  Paul Boese


The Mysterious Monster… Written By Cyndi West

 Ever done any thing stupid then realized that you needed someone to forgive you for it?  Well, it seems like my whole life, prior to my connecting with God (and even after really) has been a series of "what were you thinking?" type incidences. It occurred to me that if the people I had hurt (my victims) over the course of my lifetime were as sensitive as I am - I might as well write them off cause they ain't ever forgiving me.  So one day I was asking God, "God please tell me how can I get forgiveness from these people I have hurt?"


It was weird cause like immediately I started to envision all of the people that I had harbored resentment for during my lifetime.   I saw faces of the people that I had never forgiven, people that had hurt me so deeply that I felt as if they were monsters. Then to my utter shock and dismay another face flashed before me, one I would have not suspected, and certainly one I didn't believe belonged on this "unforgiven monster" list.  The face moved me to tears because- it was my own, and it was at the top of the list.  The biggest "unforgiven monster" in my life was me.

 But wait!  I have questions.

 My mind is wondering "WHAT ?  Me?  A monster?   I can't be- but how?  And more importantly what does this have to do with those victims I need to forgive me?  The answer is this; hurting people hurt people.  My trail of victims were a direct result of my pain.  With this realization, my mind races as I reflect upon my life, I rush backwards in time and then it hits me.

 I couldn't forgive myself for a tragedy that had occurred long ago, when innocent selfishness lead to the unthinkable happening.   I felt responsible for the devastation that had taken a life of someone I loved.  It was the night I became a monster. My trail of victims emerged from a lifetime of self hatred and hurt revolving around my pain.  Hurting people hurt people.  It was true that I had hurt others.  It was also true that my biggest victim was me.  The irony of being both the biggest monster and the biggest victim amazes me. 

 How do I get that trail of victims to forgive me for the pain that I have inflicted in their lives?

 The answer is both simple and complex, I must forgive the monsters in my own life and I must forgive me.  Forgiveness is not a choice God mandates us to do it.  That is difficult enough to do but the fact that I am at the top of the list makes it harder somehow.  But if I can forgive me, then I can forgive anyone.   After I realized this I got this news flash-if God mandates us to do it then we know that it can be done.He is not going to make us do something we are not able to do. 

The fact is that we
are able -but not by ourselves.  He has to help us.  Forgiveness comes from God.  Remember He forgave us first. Okay, so the answer is to pray for forgiveness for the monsters and of course to pray for help forgiving myself.

 Wow, I realize that one of the people I need to forgive is dead and one of the people I need forgiveness from is also dead.  Why is God making me forgive people that are dead?

  It occurs to me that forgiveness isn't for others as much as it is for ourselves.  It is important that if we can, we go to the people that we have hurt and ask for forgiveness.  God works with us to help us overcome this forgiveness thing and he will work it out for us, He promises. 

 Wow, how freeing.  Think about what this forgiveness thing could do for me both inside and out.  Freedom from guilt, how uplifting.  That makes me smile.

Forget that plastic surgeon appointment.  It's amazing how much better I will be looking when God's power of transformation changes me from a monster back into the loving person he always wanted me to be.

 Forgiveness is freedom.  I love being free.  Thank you God!


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